Where Is This Trying To Take Me?

I’ve been trying to figure out how to put this into words without making it sound bigger than it is… but also.....without minimizing something that's happened enough times that I can’t really ignore the pattern anymore.

It’s the same issue. Same person, same shift....and honestly, I’ve actually started wondering if the cycle ever really stopped.

There hasn’t been any open conflict between us. No argument, no confrontation, I’m not rude to this person, and I don’t go out of my way to make things uncomfortable.

I actually pray the opposite....

“God, I don’t want to carry a spirit of offense. If that’s what this is, deal with it. Uproot it.”

Because I mean that! I don’t want offense growing in me. I don’t want bitterness. I don’t want to start looking at somebody through the lens of everything they’ve ever done that irritated me.

So a lot of my prayers lately sound something like.....“Lord, I don’t know if this is a ME issue or a THEM issue. I don’t know if I’m picking up on something they’re carrying. I don’t know if there are parts of their character that just rub me the wrong way. I don’t know if this is spiritual opposition. I don’t know what this is… but YOU do. So please take care of it.”

And then usually somewhere in that prayer is...“And please.....don’t let me treat them differently!”

Because I really don’t want to treat them any differently! I want to continue loving on them, caring about them, and being a friend. But there's a place where I always seem to get stuck....

I KNOW what I’ve felt, I KNOW what I've heard, and I KNOW what I’ve seen.

There’s a distinct pattern...and it seems to happen when I step out of insecurity.  You know, when I get a little bolder, when I stop second-guessing myself so much, when I worship more freely, when I step into something I feel God leading me toward. When I overcome another layer of timidity and actually move forward.

THAT'S when something seems to shift, the responses get shorter....colder, I notice myself being watched more closely. Any conversations I have with someone....suddenly has that extra person standing nearby actively listening (like a MONITORING SPIRIT!) or even trying to insert themselves into it....even when the conversation has nothing to do with them.

I can literally FEEL them walk into a room before I ever really see them. And I know how that sounds!  Trust me, I know!  Which is probably why I question myself so much!

Am I imagining this?
Am I being too sensitive?
Is this offense?
Am I reading motives into things that aren’t there?

Or......am I actually recognizing something because I’ve watched the same pattern play out more than once?

I don’t know. Or maybe I DO know, but I'm in denial about it because it's a hard thing to grasp about someone? 

And maybe that's the hardest part? Because I don’t know what's happening inside somebody else’s heart. But I can see behavior and notice patterns. I can recognize when something feels different, but I can't know motive. There's a distinction there! I mean, I trust what I’ve observed without deciding that I know why someone's doing it.

That's probably been one of the hardest things for me to learn.  NO DOUBT! But something else has been bothering me even more.

It's what happens inside of ME when the pattern starts again. Because, well, I notice it almost immediately. I begin to stifle myself. I become more careful. I think before I speak in ways that I normally wouldn’t. I become guarded about what I’m doing or what I’m pursuing.

And there’s this little thought in the back of my mind that says, “Don’t give this any ammo.”
Don’t say too much.
Don’t let them know too much.
Don’t do anything that can be picked apart.
And before I know it.....I’m becoming self-conscious again.

I think THAT'S what makes this more troublesome to me...literally bringing me to tears writing about it.   

Because I've spent a lot of time trying to overcome that version of myself. The withdrawn one, the timid one, the one who worshipped carefully instead of freely, the one who would rather run and hide in a cave than step out where God was asking her to go.

And suddenly......there I am again!

Wanting to shrink.
Wanting to pull back.
Wanting to stop pursuing things I feel God leading me toward simply because I’m uncomfortable with how that somebody might react.

And THAT's the part I can’t seem to get away from. Because what if this isn’t just about that somebody’s attitude toward me? What if the reaction it produces in me is the very thing I need to be paying attention to? 

I keep thinking about the timing of it. It's something I can't deny or overlook, even if I tried. 

Why does this seem to rise up when I’ve finally pushed through another layer of insecurity?

Why when I’m becoming bolder in my worship?

Why when I’m stepping farther into ministry?

Why when I’ve finally stopped questioning every little thing God has put in my heart and started actually moving?

THAT'S what makes me wonder if there's more happening here than what I can see.

And I’ll be honest, I hesitate even writing that!!

Because I don’t want to become one of those people who calls every uncomfortable interaction “spiritual warfare”, yannow? 

Sometimes people just have bad attitudes.
Sometimes personalities clash.
Sometimes we misunderstand each other.
Sometimes WE are the problem.
I know that!

And that’s why I keep praying...“God, if this is me, SHOW ME.”
If there’s offense in me, uproot it!
If there’s pride in me, deal with it!
If I’m interpreting something incorrectly, correct me!
I don’t want to be deceived about my own heart!

“Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts.” (Psalm 139:23)

But I also don’t want to become so afraid of misreading something that I ignore a battle when there actually IS one.

Because Scripture says “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” (Ephesians 6:12)

And maybe that verse is exactly what keeps this from becoming about the person.
They aren't my enemy....even if something spiritual IS happening, they are NOT my enemy.

And that really does change how I pray. I don’t have to become angry with them, retaliate, or become cold because they seem cold. I don’t have to stop loving them but I also don’t have to pretend I don’t notice what happens to me when this pattern starts again.

Because I know where it leads me!  It leads me back toward timidity, back toward watching myself, back toward wondering if I’m too much, back toward worshipping more carefully, toward keeping things to myself.......Back toward.....the.....cave. (And just as I'm writing this, I feel like I need to go look in the Bible and be reminded about who ran and hid in the cave and why.  I'll do that in a minute, but for now....I don't want to lose my thoughts here.) 

Anyway....THAT makes me ask another question.....if the enemy wanted to slow down what God was doing in me, wouldn’t one of the easiest ways be to push me back toward the very insecurity God has been pulling me out of?

He wouldn’t necessarily have to destroy my ministry, right? Maybe he’d just have to make me afraid to pursue it. He wouldn’t have to silence me completely....maybe he’d just have to make me second-guess everything before I speak. He wouldn’t have to stop me from worshipping, maybe he’d just have to make me painfully aware of who is watching. He wouldn’t have to convince me to walk away from God....maybe he’d just have to convince me that staying small is safer. 

And THAT'S what's been stirring around in me. Because I know the difference between who I was and who God has been teaching me to become.

I KNOW how much insecurity has controlled me and how much timidity has cost me. I know what it feels like to want to disappear rather than be seen. And I know what has started happening as I’ve stepped out of that. 

There's been freedom.
There's been boldness.
There's been a confidence that I KNOW didn't come naturally to me.....not arrogance...not “look at me”.....just this growing sense of, “If God has asked me to do this, then I can do it.”

So when something repeatedly makes me want to surrender THAT ground, I think it’s worth paying attention to. I'd be dumb not to.  

I mean, I don't want to decide that I know what is in another person’s heart and I certainly don't want to label someone and make them a villain. 

But discernment would have me looking at the fruit of what's happening and asking the questions that need to be asked.  

Where's this trying to take me? Is it leading towards faith or fear? Freedom or bondage? Obedience or retreat? Love or offense? Towards boldness in God or back into myself?

Because I think sometimes we get so focused on identifying where something is coming FROM that we forget to pay attention to where it's trying to take us. And right now, I know where this (whatever THIS may be) wants to take me.

It wants me smaller.
Quieter.
More hesitant.
More self-conscious.
Less willing to step out.
Less willing to pursue the things I believe God is calling me into.

I will NOT cooperate with that!

I refuse to let the battle turn me against the person. Maybe that's part of the battle too???
Because if I become offended, bitter, suspicious, or hateful, then what exactly have I won?
So I will continue praying....

“God, show me what this is. 

If it’s me, correct me. 

If it’s them, help me love them. 

If it’s spiritual, teach me how to stand. 

And whatever's happening, 

do not let it drive me back 

into the person You have 

been bringing me out of.”

Maybe you’ve had something like this happen too?  Not necessarily the same circumstances. But maybe every time you begin moving forward, something seems to hit the exact place where you used to be weak? 

Maybe fear suddenly gets loud again?

Maybe insecurity comes back wearing a different outfit?

Maybe a relationship becomes strained?

Maybe criticism hits differently?

Maybe you suddenly feel the urge to retreat from something you were once certain God told you to pursue?

And maybe before automatically assuming you’re being attacked, there are questions worth asking?

Like.... God, is there something in me You’re trying to correct?
Is there an offense I need to release?
Am I reacting out of an old wound?

There’s another question worth asking too....is something trying to push me off ground God has already helped me gain? Because I don’t want to see an enemy behind every bush. But I also don’t want to be standing in the middle of a battle insisting there isn’t one.

So for now, I’m praying, I’m watching, and asking God to search me. I’m refusing to make another human being my enemy. But I’m also refusing to go back into that cave.
God has brought me TOO far out of hiding for me to willingly crawl back in!