When Surrender Became My Answer

Can I just brag on my God for a moment?! ❤️🙌

I think back to where I was six or seven years ago. Goodness, even just ONE year ago, and I'm absolutely AMAZED at what God has done in my life!

There was a time when fear and intimidation had such a grip on me that I could barely get my voice to come out. My chest would literally shake on the inside, my hands would tremble, and my voice would shake. Just getting up to sing or speak in front of anyone felt like an enormous battle.

And now? I catch myself singing in STORES! 😂 Not just quietly humming so nobody can hear me, either! I'm talking about letting the praises of my heart roll right off my lips without worrying about who's listening!!!

Every time I think about how far God has brought me, I can't help but remember what happened when I finally laid my heart of worship at His feet.

I know I've shared pieces of this before, but it's worth telling again.  My heart is boasting about God this morning! 

There was a season when I felt like I had completely lost my voice. I couldn't even sing at home the way I used to. My voice would crack, the notes I had once been able to reach seemed impossible, and I couldn't understand what was happening.

Ever since I was a little girl, I could picture myself standing on a platform leading people into worship. I could see the glory of God filling the room as we lifted up His name. That desire had been in my heart for as long as I could remember.

So WHY was it such a struggle????

Had fear and intimidation really gotten that much of a hold on me? Had they successfully silenced something God had placed inside me?  Had they won? 

I wrestled with those questions for a LONG time.

Eventually, I came to a place where I had to face the possibility that maybe being a worship leader wasn't what God had for me after all. I remember going before Him and telling Him that I was giving that desire back to Him. If that wasn't what He wanted for my life, I would be okay with it.

OUCH.....THAT WAS SO VERY HARD!! I actually fought it for days.  I knew what I should say, I just couldn't get it off of my tongue! I cried ALL NIGHT!

I wasn't just giving up something I wanted to do. I was laying down something I had carried in my heart SINCE I WAS A CHILD. 

I don't remember if I was already in my week-long fast or just beginning it when I had that conversation with God. But I DO remember what happened on the very last day of that fast.

The woman who was serving as our current worship leader and music director came to me and told me that God was calling ME to step into that position, and that she was stepping away.

😭😭😭WHAT?!?!  It actually took me a few hours to realize what happened!

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANT TO ME?! NOBODY knew what I had been wrestling with! Nobody knew about the tears, the questions, the fear, or that conversation I'd had with God.

NOBODY!

But HE KNEW!

He knew how many times I had questioned myself. He knew how many times I'd wondered whether I had heard Him correctly. He knew how much fear had tried to convince me that I wasn't capable.

And He knew that if I was ever going to stop questioning whether I belonged where He was leading me, I needed to know that it wasn't something I had pushed my way into.

I needed to know that HE was the One opening that door. And THAT is exactly how I experienced His answer!

I had placed that dream in His hands, fully prepared to leave it there if that was His will.

And on the last day of my fast, He handed it back to me.

I still get emotional thinking about it! 😭😭Like this morning! Because I look at where I am today and I KNOW I didn't get here on my own. I'm not telling you that I never feel nervous anymore or that I have everything figured out. I don't!

But I know what happened between me and God when nobody else was looking. I know what I surrendered, and I know how He answered.

And when those old questions try to creep back in, I have THAT to look back on!

The same woman who once struggled to get a single word out is now singing praises in the middle of a store without giving it a second thought!

I didn't get here because I suddenly became confident in myself.

I got here because I've learned to put my confidence in HIM!

Sometimes surrendering something to God doesn't mean you'll never see it again. Sometimes it's in that surrender that you discover whether you've been holding on to the gift more tightly than you've been holding on to the Giver.

I don't ever want to love the calling more than I love the One who called me! I don't ever want to love the sound of my own voice more than I love the One I'm lifting it to! And I certainly don't ever want to forget where He brought me from!

So if you hear me singing in Walmart or Costco, join me or keep on shopping!! 😂❤️

I'm just giving praise to the God who heard me when my voice was barely more than a whisper.

TO GOD BE ALL THE GLORY!! 🙌❤️