Knowing the Difference
Last night, I had a few hours to myself and I got to thinking. I started thinking about my girls and some of the things we’ve been walking through together. Then my mind went to all the other moms who are trying to help their children navigate some of these same things, and my heart just breaks for them. Because.....I know there are moms out there asking some of the same questions I’ve been asking and trying to figure out how to help their children heal while they’re hurting right alongside them.
So I decided to write about it.
Two of my children have suffered harmful, life-changing abuse at the hands of someone in our family. That’s their story to tell, not mine, so I won't share the details. But being their mom means I’ve had a front-row seat to what happens afterward. And lately, I have found myself seeing the world through their eyes a little more. It's been an eye opener!
Trauma doesn't always look the way people expect it to look. Sometimes it looks like anger. Sometimes it looks like shutting down. Sometimes it's an overreaction to something that seems incredibly small to everyone else, or not wanting to be touched, talked to, or questioned. Sometimes it's struggling to trust people who have never personally done anything wrong.
And sometimes people see those things and respond to the behavior without ever stopping to wonder what happened to the person behind it. As their mom, that’s incredibly hard to watch.
Especially when the misunderstanding comes from people you’d expect to open their arms a little wider. I've been wrestling with that lately.
I know I’m not the only one that’s pondered these things, because I’ve heard moms ask similar questions. Like….how do I continue teaching my children to love people when I've watched people hurt them? How do I teach them that the Body of Christ is supposed to be a safe place when they don't always feel seen there? How do I continue to teach them the importance of family when some of their deepest wounds come from there? How do I encourage them to be open when I completely understand why they don't want to be? How do I tell them not to isolate themselves when, if I'm being completely truthful, there are days when I want to gather my family up, shut the door, and stop telling anybody anything?
I get it…because I get tired too. Tired of explaining, tired of watching things be misunderstood.
And then I gotta stop myself! Because while I may be disappointed in people, I can’t allow people's failures to become my children's picture of God. It’s not always easy to make that distinction when you're hurting.
And I’m also trying to help them understand that just because something terrible happened to them does NOT mean that God didn’t care. That can be really hard to understand when you’re the one who lived through it. I don’t want to brush past their questions or hand them some quick Christian answer that makes everything sound simple, because it isn’t. But I also don’t want what someone else chose to do to them to become the thing that convinces them God wasn’t there, God didn’t see, or God didn’t care.
People can fail to understand you but God still understands you.
People can respond poorly to your pain but God is still near to the brokenhearted.
People can make you feel like you're too complicated, too emotional, too guarded, or just too much, and NONE of that changes the way God sees you.
So yes, I can still lead them to Him.
But I think what we need to remember is that leading them to God doesn't mean teaching them to tolerate everything people do to them. It doesn't mean pretending something didn't hurt. It doesn't mean forcing closeness with people they don't feel safe around.
Sometimes leading them to God means sitting beside them in the mess and reminding them, "That wasn't Him." Sometimes it means letting them ask hard questions without you panicking over them.
Sometimes it means protecting them while they heal. And sometimes…. it means admitting that Mom is struggling with some of this too.
I don't have this figured out. I’m angry over what has happened to my babies. There are STILL moments when my instinct is to pull away. To stop sharing, to keep our lives inside our own four walls where nobody gets the opportunity to misunderstand any of us.
But isolation IS NOT the answer either. So I'm learning…and teaching.
I'm learning and teaching how to protect without building walls around all of us. I'm learning and teaching how to give people grace without continually handing them access to places where they can cause harm.
And even more so, I'm learning that if I want my children to TRULY know God, I have to keep helping them separate who He is from the imperfect people that don’t have a clue because people will get it wrong…..sometimes terribly wrong.
BUT GOD IS STILL GOD!
And I want my girls to know Him well enough that when people fail them, they know the difference.
And sometimes people see those things and respond to the behavior without ever stopping to wonder what happened to the person behind it. As their mom, that’s incredibly hard to watch.
Especially when the misunderstanding comes from people you’d expect to open their arms a little wider. I've been wrestling with that lately.
I know I’m not the only one that’s pondered these things, because I’ve heard moms ask similar questions. Like….how do I continue teaching my children to love people when I've watched people hurt them? How do I teach them that the Body of Christ is supposed to be a safe place when they don't always feel seen there? How do I continue to teach them the importance of family when some of their deepest wounds come from there? How do I encourage them to be open when I completely understand why they don't want to be? How do I tell them not to isolate themselves when, if I'm being completely truthful, there are days when I want to gather my family up, shut the door, and stop telling anybody anything?
I get it…because I get tired too. Tired of explaining, tired of watching things be misunderstood.
And then I gotta stop myself! Because while I may be disappointed in people, I can’t allow people's failures to become my children's picture of God. It’s not always easy to make that distinction when you're hurting.
And I’m also trying to help them understand that just because something terrible happened to them does NOT mean that God didn’t care. That can be really hard to understand when you’re the one who lived through it. I don’t want to brush past their questions or hand them some quick Christian answer that makes everything sound simple, because it isn’t. But I also don’t want what someone else chose to do to them to become the thing that convinces them God wasn’t there, God didn’t see, or God didn’t care.
People can fail to understand you but God still understands you.
People can respond poorly to your pain but God is still near to the brokenhearted.
People can make you feel like you're too complicated, too emotional, too guarded, or just too much, and NONE of that changes the way God sees you.
So yes, I can still lead them to Him.
But I think what we need to remember is that leading them to God doesn't mean teaching them to tolerate everything people do to them. It doesn't mean pretending something didn't hurt. It doesn't mean forcing closeness with people they don't feel safe around.
Sometimes leading them to God means sitting beside them in the mess and reminding them, "That wasn't Him." Sometimes it means letting them ask hard questions without you panicking over them.
Sometimes it means protecting them while they heal. And sometimes…. it means admitting that Mom is struggling with some of this too.
I don't have this figured out. I’m angry over what has happened to my babies. There are STILL moments when my instinct is to pull away. To stop sharing, to keep our lives inside our own four walls where nobody gets the opportunity to misunderstand any of us.
But isolation IS NOT the answer either. So I'm learning…and teaching.
I'm learning and teaching how to protect without building walls around all of us. I'm learning and teaching how to give people grace without continually handing them access to places where they can cause harm.
And even more so, I'm learning that if I want my children to TRULY know God, I have to keep helping them separate who He is from the imperfect people that don’t have a clue because people will get it wrong…..sometimes terribly wrong.
BUT GOD IS STILL GOD!
And I want my girls to know Him well enough that when people fail them, they know the difference.
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