Sometimes They Need You to Reach First
Not just alone.
Lonely.
There IS a difference.
They'd been longing so deeply for connection that they were keenly aware of every place that it was missing.....every conversation they weren’t included in, every person that walked by without looking at them or speaking to them, how they sat alone, and every moment when it seemed like everyone else had......somebody.
When you're desperately longing for something, you really DO become painfully aware of the lack of it.
As we talked, I almost said what I’ve said before.....you know, it almost seems like the go-to for this type of complaint, (it has been for me anyway)...“Well, the Bible says if you want friends, you have to show yourself friendly. Maybe you need to go engage with people.”
But I didn’t. I felt such a strong check in my spirit that I stopped and I didn’t completely understand why until later that night.
The more I thought about it, it all made sense as to why I was hushed.
I’ve been there before. I know what it feels like to be in a dark place.
“Go talk to somebody.”
“Get out of the house.”
“Call a friend.”
“Come sit with everyone.”
“Stop isolating yourself.”
“Just reach out.”
Those things sound simple when you are standing on solid ground. They aren't so simple when you're trying to climb out of a pit.
And I really do want to be careful here, because I am not glorifying or justifying isolation. I'm not saying we should surrender to loneliness or stop trying to connect with people. There absolutely comes a time when we have to take steps toward healing, community, and relationship.
But I think sometimes we put the entire responsibility for connection on the person who currently has the least strength to create it. And just writing this just burdens my heart for those going through it.
We tell the lonely person to reach out. We tell the depressed person to come find us. We tell the hurting person to ask for help. We tell the person barely holding themselves together, “If you need anything, let me know.”
And then......we walk away.
Well, what if they can’t let you know? What if they don't have the words? What if they've already convinced themselves they are a burden?! What if rejection has happened enough times that reaching out feels more frightening than sitting alone? What if their fingers simply cannot get a grip on anything strong enough to pull themselves up?
Maybe that’s when God sends you?!
He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. - Psalm 40:2
I love that picture because mire is different from ordinary dirt. Mire holds you and the more exhausted you become, the harder it is to move.
Sometimes.....God reaches into those places Himself through the hands of another person.
Throughout Scripture, God continually uses people to strengthen people, doesn't He? Just think about it for a minute...
When Elijah was depleted and wanted to die, God didn't begin by lecturing him about his attitude. He cared for his physical needs, allowed him to rest, fed him, and then He spoke to him.
When the paralyzed man couldn't get himself to Jesus, four people carried him. Think about that! The man lying on the bed wasn't told, “If you really want healing, figure out how to get yourself there.” His friends picked up his bed and carried the weight he couldn't carry! And when the crowd became an obstacle, they didn't abandon him. They climbed onto the roof, opened it up, and lowered him down to Jesus.
Sometimes faith looks like walking to Jesus yourself. And sometimes....faith looks like having somebody love you enough to carry your corner of the mat.
Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ. - Galatians 6:2
You can't bear someone's burden from a distance. Bearing requires getting close enough to feel some of the weight.
Maybe we need to become better at noticing? Noticing the person who suddenly got quiet. Noticing the person sitting by themselves. Noticing the one who stopped showing up. Noticing the one who doesn't make eye contact anymore. Noticing the person who is always the one initiating but suddenly stopped. Notice when someone's “I'm fine” doesn't quite reach their eyes.
And instead of thinking,
When the paralyzed man couldn't get himself to Jesus, four people carried him. Think about that! The man lying on the bed wasn't told, “If you really want healing, figure out how to get yourself there.” His friends picked up his bed and carried the weight he couldn't carry! And when the crowd became an obstacle, they didn't abandon him. They climbed onto the roof, opened it up, and lowered him down to Jesus.
Sometimes faith looks like walking to Jesus yourself. And sometimes....faith looks like having somebody love you enough to carry your corner of the mat.
Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ. - Galatians 6:2
You can't bear someone's burden from a distance. Bearing requires getting close enough to feel some of the weight.
Maybe we need to become better at noticing? Noticing the person who suddenly got quiet. Noticing the person sitting by themselves. Noticing the one who stopped showing up. Noticing the one who doesn't make eye contact anymore. Noticing the person who is always the one initiating but suddenly stopped. Notice when someone's “I'm fine” doesn't quite reach their eyes.
And instead of thinking,
They know where I am if they need me...
Go to them.
Send the text.
Make the phone call.
Walk across the room.
Sit beside them.
Invite them.
Check again tomorrow and the next day and the day after that....
And if they don't respond the first time, don't immediately decide they don't want you around.
Sometimes people who are hurting deeply want connection desperately while simultaneously struggling to participate in it.
That contradiction is very real. Sometimes the person who needs friendship the most is the person least capable of “showing themselves friendly” in that moment. They're not rejecting you, they're drowning.
And maybe God didn't allow you to notice their struggle so you could stand safely on the bank and tell them how to swim.
Maybe you noticed because YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO REACH.
By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. - John 13:35
Sometimes love preaches.
Sometimes love prays.
Sometimes love corrects.
But sometimes love simply notices the person everyone else walked past, sits down beside them, and says,
“You don't have to climb out of this by yourself. I'm here.”
There are seasons when we have enough strength to reach. And there are seasons when we desperately need someone to reach for us.
If you're standing on solid ground right now, don't you forget what the mire felt like!
Look around! Someone may not need another reminder to “show themselves friendly.”
They may need a friend who is healthy enough, connected enough, and strong enough to make the first move...and maybe even a few more moves after that.
Sometimes God answers someone's prayer for a lifeline by sending a person who is willing to reach into the pit.
Be willing to be that person!
Go to them.
Send the text.
Make the phone call.
Walk across the room.
Sit beside them.
Invite them.
Check again tomorrow and the next day and the day after that....
And if they don't respond the first time, don't immediately decide they don't want you around.
Sometimes people who are hurting deeply want connection desperately while simultaneously struggling to participate in it.
That contradiction is very real. Sometimes the person who needs friendship the most is the person least capable of “showing themselves friendly” in that moment. They're not rejecting you, they're drowning.
And maybe God didn't allow you to notice their struggle so you could stand safely on the bank and tell them how to swim.
Maybe you noticed because YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO REACH.
By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. - John 13:35
Sometimes love preaches.
Sometimes love prays.
Sometimes love corrects.
But sometimes love simply notices the person everyone else walked past, sits down beside them, and says,
“You don't have to climb out of this by yourself. I'm here.”
There are seasons when we have enough strength to reach. And there are seasons when we desperately need someone to reach for us.
If you're standing on solid ground right now, don't you forget what the mire felt like!
Look around! Someone may not need another reminder to “show themselves friendly.”
They may need a friend who is healthy enough, connected enough, and strong enough to make the first move...and maybe even a few more moves after that.
Sometimes God answers someone's prayer for a lifeline by sending a person who is willing to reach into the pit.
Be willing to be that person!
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