Keeping My Heart Right

Man, I woke up this morning with a headache stemming from pain on both sides of my neck, and today has just been...slow. I got up a few hours later than I normally do....which will throw my ENTIRE day off. The headache had me awake around 4 this morning.  I probably should've just stayed up. 

I don't know....maybe I needed the slowdown?

Because there's been a lot going on inside of me lately that I haven't really known what to do with. 

A few nights ago, I had a dream.

I don't remember where I was, or what was happening. I don't even remember faces, scenery or anything else about it.

All I remember is a man's voice saying,

"Your children will be blessed."

That's it. As much as I try to remember the rest of it....that's ALL I have.  So I tucked those words in my pocket, especially with everything that's going on right now. Not just with my kids, either. There are so many different things happening around me and in me, so many things I'm praying about, carrying, watching, trying to understand.

And lately I've found myself becoming very protective of the things happening inside of me. Because the truth is, I'm having a hard time trusting people right now. And I don't really like admitting that. There are things I don't want to talk about, things I don't want to explain, and things I don't want anyone having access to. 

It's almost like there's this part of me saying, I don't know if you're worthy of knowing this.
And I HATE even using that word.  

"Worthy?" I mean, who am I to decide who is worthy? But that's the only way I know how to describe what I've been feeling.  Guarded may be a better word too! Maybe what I really mean is that I don't feel like everything going on with me needs to be placed into anybody else's hands? 

I've also noticed something else lately. My dialect has changed again when I pray in the Holy Ghost.  

I know that may sound strange to someone who hasn't experienced it, but I notice those things. There have been different seasons in my life where my prayer language has shifted, and I noticed the other day that it's happened again.

Different sounds. Different cadence. Different intensity. And it's made me wonder...Have I stepped into another level?

I don't say that arrogantly. I hesitate to even use "next level" because it can sound like a Christian catchphrase, which isn't what I mean. I'm talking about spiritual growth, like....deeper responsibility....greater awareness.....more discernment....different burdens.

A greater sensitivity to what God is doing? And maybe a greater understanding that some things can't come with you into every season? 

Growth brings resistance. When God begins stretching you beyond where you've been, of course you'll deal with things you didn't have to deal with before. 

New responsibilities expose new weaknesses. 
New authority requires new discipline.
New territory introduces unfamiliar battles.
And sometimes the warfare doesn't even look dramatic!

Sometimes it looks like exhaustion or confusion, or even strained relationships.
How about distrust or suddenly questioning things you were confident about yesterday?
I'm going to even go as far as to say that sometimes it's lying awake at 4:00 in the morning with your neck throbbing and your mind refusing to shut off.

And sometimes, right in the middle of all of it, God gives you one little sentence that keeps playing in the back of your mind. "Your children will be blessed." 

Maybe that's why I've held onto that dream so tightly?

I don't know what tomorrow looks like. I don't know exactly what God's doing with everything happening around me. I don't even know that I completely understand WHAT He's doing in me....

But I know I've changed, I can feel it. Some things I would've chased after before, I'm learning to leave alone. Things I would've explained until I was blue in the face, I'm learning don't always require an explanation. Places where I would've desperately wanted to be understood, I'm becoming more comfortable with simply letting God understand me.

And another part of this learning season has been quietly watching how people treat you differently. You notice things, shifts in attitudes, conversations, body language, access....things that probably would've sent me scrambling to figure out what I did wrong before. And I'm learning not to.

I'm learning that I don't have to confront every change I notice. I don't have to chase somebody down and ask why they're acting differently. I don't have to defend the place God has put me in, and I definitely don't have to shrink myself just to make somebody else more comfortable with it.

Sometimes I just need to see it....put it in God's hands....and keep walking.

Let Him deal with what I can't see and whatever is happening in somebody else's heart.

My responsibility is to make sure MY heart stays right and that I continue walking the walk He's asked me to walk without allowing somebody else's reaction to become a distraction.

And maybe that's part of the next level too? Learning discernment....learning the difference between isolation and consecration. Between bitterness and boundaries. 
Between secrecy and stewardship. Between ignoring something and realizing it isn't mine to fix. Between pushing everyone away and understanding that not everybody belongs in every room of your life.

One thing I've learned throughout the years is that there are things God does publicly and  then there are things He develops quietly.

Maybe this is one of those quiet seasons? Like a strange mixture of growing, hurting, praying, watching, learning, and trying not to get ahead of God?

So today I'm moving slowly. My head hurts. My neck hurts. My day is already several hours behind where I think it should be, and my heart has some things tucked away that I'm not ready to hand to anybody else yet.  

And strangely enough....I think I'm okay with that right now. Maybe I don't need to figure everything out today? Maybe I don't need to know why certain things are changing, why certain people are changing, or exactly what this season is producing in me.

Maybe part of growth is being able to recognize that something is happening without needing to immediately name it, explain it, defend it, or control it?

I can pray.
I can pay attention.
I can keep my heart right.
I can keep walking.
And I can let God handle what belongs to Him. 

And I can trust that if there is something I need to know, God will make it clear when I need to know it.

For now, I think my job is simply to keep walking....without letting everything happening around me pull me away from what God is trying to do IN me and give me an attitude.

Maybe that's what this slow day is for.