Some Things Time Will Expose

The older I get, the more I realize life is not just about getting through the years... it is about what the years do to you.

You spend so much of your younger life just trying to make it, yannow? Trying to hold everything together. Trying to love people the best way you know how, even while still carrying your own immaturity, your own wounds, your own blind spots, your own unfinished places.

And then one day you look up... and your kids are grown.

That does something pretty deep in you!

Because no matter how thankful you are... no matter how proud you are of who they are becoming... there is something humbling about realizing that the little hands you once held now belong to people with their own thoughts, their own pain, their own memories, their own view of life... and yes... their own view of you.

And that part makes you sit down with yourself....and if it doesn't, you've still got some growing up to do.

It makes you think about what you got right...
and what you got wrong.
What you gave them...
and what you didn’t.
The ways you loved well...
and.......the ways you wish you had loved better.

That kind of reflection is not always comfortable, but it certainly is necessary.

Accountability is a part of maturity....not shame...not self-hatred...not living chained to your past.

Just honesty....being grown enough to say...

I see it now.
I did some things right, and I did some things wrong.
There were moments I handled well, and moments I absolutely could have handled better.
There were places I was strong, and places I was still broken and didn’t even realize how much that brokenness was bleeding onto other people.

Honestly, it's a pretty hard thing to admit but it is ALSO a very beautiful thing.

There is something powerful about a heart that stays tender enough to tell the truth.

I think some people age, but they never really humble themselves.
They get older, but not softer.
They collect years, but not wisdom.
They want the honor of being respected without ever being honest about the damage they may have done along the way.

But that is not who I want to be at all.  

I want to be the kind of person who lets God search me.
Correct me.
Heal me.
Show me.....me.

DAILY! 

Even when it stings.
Even when it is humbling.
Even when it means I have to own parts of my story that I would rather explain away.

Because at the end of the day, I don't want to just look older.
I want to be better.
Kinder.
Wiser.
More aware.
More accountable.
More like Christ.

And the beautiful thing is... God knows just how to work with a heart like that.

He knows how to take the mother who looks back with regret and meet her with mercy.

He knows how to take the woman who sees her mistakes clearly and not crush her with them.

He knows how to take every immature season, every wrong response, every tear, every ache, every lesson... and weave something redemptive through it all.

When I look back over my life, I can see so many places where I was still learning... still becoming... still carrying things I had not yet healed from. 

And yet somehow, God in His goodness was still moving through my life anyway.

Still covering what I could not see, still teaching me what I didn't know yet, still protecting my children in ways that I never even realized, and still orchestrating things with a wisdom far beyond mine.

And that does not mean everything was good.

Some things hurt.
Some things were messy.
Some things left marks.
Some things taught me the hard way.

But God has always known how to bring good out of what would have otherwise only brought pain.

Only HE can do that.

Only HE can take a life with all its missteps and growing pains and regrets and unanswered questions... and still make it beautiful.

Only HE can take the parts of us that are humbled by hindsight and use that very humility to shape something holy.

Only HE can take generations, stories, wounds, timing, loss, growth, motherhood, mistakes, mercy... and weave them together with hands so steady and loving that, years later, you can finally look back and whisper...

You were there the whole time, Lord.

And maybe that is part of what aging is supposed to give us.

Not just wrinkles and memories, and not just a deeper awareness of how fast time moves.

Maybe it is supposed to give us perspective.

Maybe it is supposed to strip us of our pride.

Maybe it is supposed to make us gentler with other people because we know firsthand how much grace we ourselves have needed.

Maybe it is supposed to make us more compassionate, not harder.

Because the more I live, the more I realize that everybody is carrying something.

Everybody is learning somewhere and has things they wish they could redo.

EVERYBODY needs mercy.

And I think when your heart stays soft, aging does not make you cold...it makes you more compassionate.

It makes you less interested in pretending, in proving, and in controlling every outcome.

You start holding people differently.
You start holding your grown children differently.
You start holding yourself differently.

With more honesty, grace, and surrender.

I don't look back on my life and think I got it all right. Because I know I didn’t.

But.....I CAN say this with my WHOLE heart...God has been faithful in EVERY season.

In my strength and immaturity.
In my joy and grief.
In the seasons I thought I was doing well and in the seasons I can now see I had so much growing left to do.

He has been faithful.

And the older I get, the more that means to me.

Because now I can see that His hand was never removed because I was still learning.
His ability to redeem was never limited by my humanity.

He just kept being God......steady, merciful, intentional.......patient.

And maybe that is why my heart feels so full when I think about all of this.

Because aging isn't just about getting older.
It is about seeing clearer, loving deeper, owning more, and trusting more.
And realizing that.....even through all the imperfect chapters... God is still writing something beautiful.