A Different Kind of Woman

I have never trusted women.

My mother left us when I was in first grade and was never really there for me emotionally while I was growing up. She never had anything to do with me unless one of her other children stopped talking to her - which was always a common theme in my family… but we will address that another time. 

And if that wasn’t enough, my sister also contributed to this distrust. There was a repeated pattern of disowning and cutting off contact for months at a time, followed by complete refusal to communicate about what happened or why. No conversation. No repair. Just silence. There's quite a bit of irony there actually.

Then there was my step-mother who had also been in and out of my life depending on how she felt about me or what she thought about me.  She made sure her presence in my life or the life of my children was a reward as long as I did what she wanted me to.  

That absence.....and that silence.....did something to me and how I viewed other females. 

It taught me, at a very young age, that female connection was unstable. 

Conditional. 

Temporary. 

It was something that could disappear without warning. 

And this wasn’t just a conclusion I came to later in life.....it was ingrained in me as a small child. 

It was learned. 

It was modeled behavior. 

The very women who were supposed to teach me how to connect, how to repair, how to stay, instead showed me how to withdraw, withhold, and disappear.

So I adapted.

I learned to guard myself. 

I learned not to need women. 

I learned to rely on myself and keep my emotional world locked up tight.

It led me to be very selective with females in my life, and still, to this day, there are very few women I truly trust. 

And when I say “trust,” I don’t mean casual conversation or surface-level friendship. I mean the kind of trust that allows someone into the deep, intimate places of your mind and soul.

In fact, there are only 1 and 1/2 women (yes, you read that right, one and a half) that I confide in at that level......and those women attend the church I go to. 

Don't get me wrong, that didn’t happen quickly OR easily. And it certainly didn’t happen without God doing some very intentional work inside of me.

For a long time, I thought my guardedness was just wisdom, discernment, and self-protection. And while some of that may have been true, God gently showed me that there was also a wound there......one I didn’t even realize was still bleeding.

The truth is, when the first women who are supposed to love you constantly disappear....whether by abandonment or by emotional withdrawal....it not only distorts the way you see yourself, but it also distorts the way you see female connection. 

You don’t JUST lose relationship; you lose safety. 

You lose consistency. 

You lose trust before you even understand what trust is.

And you know what? 

God didn’t shame me for that!
He didn’t rush me through healing.
He didn’t demand instant vulnerability.

Instead....He was patient.

He began to heal the way I connected with other women....not by forcing me to trust everyone, but by teaching me that it’s okay to trust wisely. He taught me that discernment and openness CAN coexist. And He taught me that I don’t have to bleed on everyone, but I also don’t have to build walls so thick that no one can reach me.

He brought women into my life slowly. 

Gently. 

Consistently. 

Women who didn’t disappear. 

Women who didn’t compete. 

Women who would communicate in a healthy way when things went south. 

Women who weren't scared of having hard and necessary conversations.

Women who didn’t manipulate. 

Women who didn’t require me to perform to earn their loyalty or acceptance.

And little by little, He showed me that not every woman will leave.
Not every woman will abandon.
Not every connection will cost me my sense of safety.

I still move carefully though and I still take my time. 

And..... that's okay.

Healing doesn’t mean becoming reckless with your heart.
It means allowing God to redefine what connection looks like.....on His terms, in His timing.

And afer all of these years, I can say this with peace....
I don’t distrust or avoid women the way I used to, instead I trust God with the way I connect.

And THAT has made all the difference!

But it didn’t stop with me.

I have been very intentional about being a different kind of female for my children.

Because I NEVER want them to struggle with connection the way I did.
I NEVER want love to feel conditional to them.
I NEVER want silence to be a weapon.
I NEVER want my presence to feel like a reward they have to earn.

I want them to know that women can be safe, repair is possible.
That hard conversations don’t mean abandonment, and that staying matters.

So I stay.
I communicate.
I apologize.
I listen.
I repair.

Not because I do it perfectly.....but because I do it INTENTIONALLY.

Healing didn’t just change how I connect with other women…
It changed the kind of woman I chose to become.

And THAT may be the most important part of the story.

(I know I said that word THREE TIMES IN ONE POST! heh heh :) )